Thursday, June 27, 2013

My "Hard Stuff"

As most of y'all know, I am a single mommy. 2 gorgeous little girls, unique and their own little personalities, contained in these creative, beautiful, intelligent little vessels called bodies. Y'all know CoM has asthma. LB has seizures. Well, we discovered this past Friday that LB has mitral valve prolapse. Today she is wearing a Holter monitor to track her resting heart rate and all these other little issues she has. We're waiting, rather impatiently, to see what's causing the tachycardia. So, of course, your prayers are continued.
I'd like to give a little shout-out to my daughter, CoM: the freckle-face beauty who rocks those adorable red glasses....Yodeling: Hope you're having a blast in MS for  the summer! Love you, girlie. <3

Okay, so that's part of what I'm dealing with this summer. Missing my little girl, knowing she's growing up so quickly...wanting to see pics of her summer activities.

I began volunteering at the local crisis pregnancy center back in May. I'm enjoying it so far, but I'm also a little scared? hesitant? reluctant? to show my true self there - I tend to overdo the research, and I am researching various topics right now, needing to pare it down; I have a nurturing heart (okay, for those of you who REALLY know me, is that inaccurate?); I get involved with that which I'm occupied to the exclusion of all other things; I love to write (ummm, okay, my blogging history may not prove that); and I'm interested in the more medical and counseling side of things (seriously, ask my friends/family how many times I psychoanalyze them or research their "ailments"...listening - not necessarily my BEST feature!).

And finally, y'all read my post way back when about my happiness being single. Okay, well, my contentment with where I am relationship-wise. So I was thrown for a loop last night. See, this friend, who just so happens to be of the male persuasion, asked me "What does having a guy in your life look like" or something equally as frightening. Yes, frightening. Terrifying. Scary. What does having a guy in my life look like? First of all, what kind of question is that? Secondly, in what context? As just a friend? As a potential lifemate? As a friend-who-might-one-day-be-more?
Okay, so let's say that he meant, how would a guy friend fit in my life? Well, here's what I see. He wants to go pick up "the ladies" (yes, he's probably that desperate) and needs a wingman - or woman, since so many women nowadays want some kind of reassurance that the guy's not a total loser or potential serial killer. Yeah. I'm down with a few free drinks (I mean, c'mon, you invite me out so you can score and I don't get the freebies outta it?), maybe some dancing, some lighthearted fun. Or he wants to go see a movie but doesn't want to go by himself. Again, I'm down with that. We can go dutch since we're just friends and all. Or he can buy the tickets and I'll get the snacks. Action and adventure, please.
As a friend-who-might-one-day-be-more: well, we'd still go out (see above) but we wouldn't be sharing our pick-up lines with anyone else...we'd laugh, talk, play, go do stuff know, friend things. And we'd see how it unfolds. He might even join us for movie nights at home or dinner. (You know, I have to try that new recipe on a different stomach. My kids will eat anything!)
And for the scariest scenario of all: A potential lifemate. Now, you might ask why does she say this is the scariest thing of all? Isn't this when life is supposed to be exciting? Isn't dating FUN? For some, yes. For me, no. I like proof. I like evidence. I like the tangible that I can see, taste, feel, get it. What is the purpose of dating? To get to know someone? You have the entire rest of your lives for that. To see if you "mesh"? Ummm, yeah, marriage takes work and compromise - the meshing is a result of the learning and growing. To have fun? See above: just a friend and a friend who might one day be more. So what might it look like to have a guy in my life? I don't know.
This is our life right now: Early mornings where I can't sleep and have been trolling the house for hours...usually I read my Bible, study a little, jump on FB (a lot), maybe even try my hand at housekeeping (LOLOLOLOLOLOL - y'all know how that goes for me!) finally getting back to sleep just as the girls are waking up and demanding breakfast, attention, MOMMY. Breakfast can be hot or cold. Some days I feel like cooking. Others, a bowl of cereal will still suit their needs. Oh, and they scarf the freshies: fruit and veggies. Yogurt. Fruit snacks. Yum. Then they do their schoolwork. They study hard and work diligently *snort* and afterwards we eat lunch: a hot meal or just a sandwich with chips and more fruit. Yup. They "dig" their fruit. Then it's free play, chores, tv. whatever floats our boat. We usually start supper around 5:30, maybe later depending on how the day's gone or if I've gotten too caught up in computer-y stuff. Oh, and that's if I've remembered to set the meat out to thaw. 'Cause if I haven't, they're prolly having another bowl of cereal. And fruit. Lots and lots of fruit. Did I mention they LOVE their fruit? Yum. Again. We usually watch an hour or two of tv during/after supper, then we read for a while, and the girls and I started reading the Jesus storybook Bible for children on Amazon Storybook Bible (with commentary and discussions on Theology interspersed). Now, that doesn't include the outside play, the running errands, the grocery shopping or the walks to the grocery store or just out and about.
So where would a guy fit in there? Honestly, anywhere he can. But then again, I really don't know. I suppose it would be nice to have a workout buddy, someone to encourage me and keep me on track in my fitness goals. It would be wonderful to have a "spiritual leader" in the home, someone to take that burden off my shoulders - not that I'm not glad to HAVE it, to shoulder it (pun intended...). It would be nice to have someone notice the attempts at cleanliness and a hot meal or someone to scarf down the food I cook without making snarky "ewww!" remarks about it (okay, I'll give a nod to my bro, who eats my cooking - he must have a cast iron stomach!). An adult to talk to? Sure - but I get my kicks in FB land...and now I'll acknowledge all my lovely ladies who I call heart-sisters. Someone to help with all the household duties? Yeah, okay, I'll give y'all that one, but as soon as I can afford it I'm finally giving in and hiring someone to come out at least 2x a week. Yes. I am giving in to the family pressure. No, I'm not marrying or dating a doctor, a lawyer or anyone else with the mega$$$. I'm hiring someone to come do the dirty work and kick my butt in gear (Again, pun intended. Man, I kill me!).
Would I like the companionship? Of course. Would I enjoy the physical side of things? Most definitely! (Hey, I've been married - and I've made my mistakes...I know how good and how bad it can be.) But what about the emotional investment? The "debt" one goes into with another person? What about the long nights when LB's had another round of seizures and ends up back in the ER? What about those nights when I'm too tired to cook and don't even talk to me about the dishes that have piled up over the course of the day? We had to eat. What if I had a bad day at work? What if he had a bad day at work? What if he wants something from me that I don't know how to give? What would it look like to give of myself and actually support or encourage a-a-a man.
I don't know. I'm terrified. I'm shaking in my boots (okay, I'm not wearing any but still). What would it be like to have someone to wake up next to, who knows all my dirty little secrets and accepts me for who I am? What would it be like to have someone else do the cooking (and not to forget my dad, who is an awesome cook btw)? To rub my back when my nerves are pinched? To give me a hug just because he knows I need one? To let me touch him just because he's mine to touch? (*gasp* - I said the "T" word...yes, *gulp*, even touching! or, even worse, the "H" word - HUGS!!!) How about someone to confide in me because he knows he can trust me and his secret is safe with me...? A partner. A mate. Someone I can grow old with.
What would that look like? What would it be like? A messy, confusing, chaotic, hectic, busy, slow, spontaneous, planned, beautiful thing. Am I ready? I don't know. But I'm looking forward to finding out.

~ Blessings ~

What is your marriage relationship like? Are you single and dating? What's the most exciting thing about this new leg of your journey? What are some things you wish you'd known before you married? What about integrating step-families?